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Photos of a real offramp in Southern California desert on I-15 between LA and Las Vegas - Zzyzx
Cookie Humor     Killer Biscuits
Is something afowl in Texas? Scandal in the Bushes

Dozens Of Computer Error Messages You've Never Seen Before


Original Birth Names of Jewish Performers:

Woody Allen --- Alan Stewart Koenigsberg
June Allyson --- Ella Geisman
Lauren Bacall --- Betty Joan Perske
Jack Benny --- Benjamin Kubelsky
Irving Berlin --- Israel Baline
Milton Berle --- Milton Berlinger
Joey Bishop ---Joseph Gottlieb
Karen Black --- Karen Blanche Ziegler
Victor Borge --- Borge Rosenbaum
Fanny Brice --- Fanny Borach
Mel Brooks --- Melvin Kaminsky
George Burns --- Nathan Birnbaum
Eddie Cantor --- Edward Israel Iskowitz
Jeff Chandler --- Ira Grossel
Lee J. Cobb --- Amos Jacobs
Tony Curtis --- Bernard Schwartz
Rodney Dangerfield --- Jacob Cohen
Kirk Douglas --- Isse Danielovich Demsky
Melvyn Douglas --- Melvyn Hesselberg
Bob Dylan --- Bobby Zimmerman
Paulette Goddard --- Marion Levy
Lee Grant --- Lyova Geisman
Elliot Gould --- Elliot Goldstein
Judy Holliday --- Judith Tuvim
Al Jolson --- Asa Yoelson
Danny Kaye --- David Daniel Kaminsky
Michael Landon --- Michael Orowitz
Steve Lawrence --- Sidney Leibowitz
Jerry Lewis --- Joseph Levitch
Peter Lorre --- Lazlo Lowenstein
Elaine May --- Elaine Berlin
Yves Montand --- Ivo Levy
Mike Nichols --- Michael Peschkowsky
Joan Rivers --- Joan Molinsky
Edward G. Robinson -- Emanuel Goldenberg
Jane Seymour --- Joyce Penelope Frankenburg
Simone Signoret --- Simone-Henriette Kaminker
Beverly Sills --- Belle Silverman
Sophie Tucker --- Sophia Kalish
Gene Wilder --- Gerald Silberman

YIDDISH ~~~THE SECRET CODE

Yiddish was the secret code, therefore I don't farshtaist,
A bisseleh maybe here and there, the rest has gone to waste.
Sadly when I hear it now, I only get the gist,
My Bubbeh spoke it beautifully; but me, I am tsemisht.
So och un vai as I should say, or even oy vai iz mir,
Though my pisk is lacking Yiddish, it's familiar to my ear.
And I'm no Chaim Yonkel , in fact I was a shtick naches,
But, when it comes to Yiddish though, I'm talking out my tuchas.
Es iz a shandeh far di kinder that I don't know it better
(Though it's really nisht geferlich when one needs to write a letter)
But, when it comes to characters, there's really no contention,
No other linguist can compete with honorable mentshen:
They have nebbishes and nebechels and others without mazel,
Then, too, schmendriks and schlemiels, and let's not forget shlemazel.
These words are so precise and descriptive to the listener,
So much better than "a pill " is to call someone 'farbissener'.
Or - that a brazen woman would be better called chaleria,
And you'll agree farklempt says more than does hysteria.
I'm not haken dir a tsheinik and I hope I'm not a kvetch,
But isn't mieskeit kinder, than to call someone a wretch?
Mitten derinnen, I hear Bubbeh say, "It's nechtiker tog, don't fear,
To me you're still a maven, zol zein shah, don't fill my ear.
A leben ahf dein keppele, I don't mean to interrupt,
But you are speaking narishkeit.....And A gezunt auf dein kup!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

GLOSSARY
Farshtaist = (Do You?) Understand
Bisseleh = A little
Tsemisht = Confused or mixed up
Och un vai = Alas and alack
Oi vai iz mir = Woe is me
Pisk = mouth
Naches = Joy, Gratification
Shandeh far di kinder = A pity/shame for the children
Nisht geferlich = Not so terrible
Nebbishes = A nobody or simpleton
Nebechels = A pititful person or playing the role of being one
Schlemiel = Clumsy bungler, an inept person, butter-fingered; dopey person
Schmendrik = Nincompoop; an inept or indifferent person; same as schlemiel
Schlemazel = Luckless person. Unlucky person; one with perpetual bad luck (it is said that the shlemiel spills the soup on the
Shlimazel!)
Farbissener = Embittered; bitter person
Chaleria = Evil woman. Probably derived from cholera.
Farklempt = Too emotional to talk. Ready to cry.
Haken dir a tsheinik = Don't get on your nerves (Lit., Don't bang your teapot!)
Kvetch = Whine, complain; whiner, a complainer
Mieskeit = Ugly
Mitten derinnen = All of a sudden, suddenly
Nechtiker tog! = Forget it! Nonsense! (Lit., yesterday's day)
Zol zein shah! = Be quiet! Shut up!!
A leben ahf dein keppele = Words of praise like; Well said! Well done! (Lit., A long life upon your head.)
Narishkeit = Foolishness. Nonsense


 The perks of being over 60.

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21. You can't remember who sent you this list.

Chapter 1: GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, You're it.
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
10. Musical recliners.

Chapter 2: SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
6. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendale's.

Chapter 3: SIGNS OF WEAR
"OLD" IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.



Encyclopedia of Ethnic Food (submitted by Bernie Mayoff; author unknown)

Latkes
A pancake-like structure not to be confused with anything the House of Pancakes would put out. In a latke, the oil is in the pancake. It is made with potatoes, onions, eggs and matzo meal. Latkes can be eaten with apple sauce but NEVER with maple syrup. There is a rumor that in the time of the Maccabees they lit a latke by mistake and it burned for eight days. What is certain is you will have heart burn for the same amount of time.
*************************************************
Matzoh
The Egyptians' revenge for leaving slavery. It consists of a simple mix of flour and water -- no eggs or flavor at all.
When made well, it could actually taste like cardboard. Its redeeming value is that it does fill you up and stays with you for a long time. However, it is recommended that you eat a few prunes soon after.
**************************************************
Kasha Varnishkes
One of the little-known delicacies which is even more difficult to pronounce than to cook. It has nothing to do with varnish, but is basically a mixture of buckwheat and bow-tie macaroni (noodles). Why a bow-tie? Many sages discussed this and agreed that some Jewish mother decided that "You can't come to the table without a tie" or, God forbid, "An elbow on my table?"
*********************************************
Blintzes
Not to be confused with the German war machine. Can you imagine the N.J. Post 1939 headlines: "Germans drop tons of cheese and blueberry blintzes over Poland - shortage of sour cream expected." Basically, this is the Jewish answer to Crepe Suzette.
************************************************
Kishka
You know from haggis? Well, this ain't it. In the old days they would take an intestine and stuff it. Today we use parchment paper or plastic. And what do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery, onions, flour, and spices. But the trick is not to cook it alone but to add it to the cholent (see below) and let it cook for 24 hours until there is no chance whatsoever that there is any nutritional value left.
************************************************
Kreplach
It sounds worse than it tastes. There is a rabbinical debate on its origins: One rabbi claims it began when a fortune cookie fell into his chicken soup. The other claims it started in an Italian restaurant. Either way it can be soft, hard, or soggy and the amount of meat inside depends on whether it is your mother or your mother-in-law who cooks it.
**************************************************
Cholent
This combination of noxious gases had been the secret weapon of Jews for centuries. The unique combination of beans, barley, potatoes, and bones or meat is meant to stick to your ribs and anything else it comes into contact with. At a fancy Mexican restaurant (kosher, of course) I once heard this comment from a youngster who had just had his first taste of Mexican fried beans: "What? Do they serve leftover cholent here, too?!" I once tried something unusual for guests: I made cholent burgers for Sunday night supper. The guests never came back.
***********************************************
Gefilte Fish
A few years ago, I had problems with my filter in my fish pond and a few of them got rather stuck and mangled. My son (5 years old) looked at them and commented "Is that why we call it 'Ge Filtered Fish'?" Originally, it was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable mixture. Today it usually comprises of small fish balls eaten with horse radish ("chrain") which is judged on its relative strength in bringing tears to your eyes at 100 paces.
***********************************************
Bagels
How can we finish without the quintessential Jewish food, the bagel? Like most foods, there are legends surrounding the bagel although I don't know any. There have been persistent rumors that the inventors of the bagel were the Norwegians who couldn't get anyone to buy smoked lox. Think about it: Can you picture yourself eating lox on white bread? Rye? A cracker? Naaa! They looked for something hard and almost indigestible which could take the spread of cream cheese and which doesn't take up too much room on the plate. And why the hole? The truth is that many philosophers believe the hole is the essence and the dough is only there for emphasis.
_______________________________
Vegetables aren't food, they're what food eats.


            A little Yiddish/Jewish Humor.
  --------------------------
Saul Epstein Was Taking An Oral Exam Applying For His Citizenship
Papers. He Was Asked To Spell "Cultivate"
He Spelled It Correctly.
He Was Then Asked To Use The Word In A Sentence.
He Brightened Up And Said, "Last Vinter On A Very Cold Day, I Vas
Vaiting For A Bus, But It Vas Too Cultivate, So I Took The Subvay Home."
=================================================
Two Jews, Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their
boat starts sinking. Saul says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I
don't swim so well."
Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class
when he was just a kid. So Morty is begins tugging Saul toward shore.
After ten minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 100 feet from shore,
Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"
Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"
=================================================
Q. How does a Jewish wife cheat on her husband?
A. She has a headache with the mailman.
================================================
Q: What's the difference between a Bris and a Get ?
A: With a Get, you're rid of the whole schmuck!
============================================
Bar Mitzvah Definition:
A Bar Mitzvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to the
realization that he is more likely to own a professional sports team than
he is to play for one.
===========================================
How do Jews actually practice their religion in contrast to what rabbis
tell us we ought to do?
From Ari Goldman's Book: "Being Jewish: the Spiritual and Cultural
Practice of Judaism Today" --
1. I don't floss my teeth on Shabbat.
2. I don't eat shellfish on Shabbat.
3. I drive, but not on freeways (on Shabbat).
4. I keep kosher, but only within 50 miles of my home.
5. I keep 3 sets of dishes - for meat, dairy, and Chinese Food.
=============================================
An old Jewish man was dying in the hospital. His family - wife,
children, grandchildren - came to see him but only one was allowed in the
room at a time. Grandson Ben went in first. "Hello, Grampa Moishe. Can I
do something for you?"
"Yes," said Grampa Moishe. Go tell Gramma Sadie I want some of her
chopped liver.
Ben went out and told Gramma Sadie, who said, "Go tell Grampa Moishe he
can't have any chopped liver. It would kill him."
Ben went back in and reported.
"You tell Gramma Sadie I want the chopped liver. I'm dying anyway and it
won't make any difference."
Ben went and told Gramma Sadie, who said, "Go tell Grampa Moishe he
can't have any. The chopped liver is for the shiva."
=================================================
Neurotic: A person who worries about things that didn't happen in the
past... instead of worrying about something that won't happen in the
future, like normal people.
===========================================
A man is lying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his
son, the surgeon. The father says, "Son, think of it this way ... If
anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."
===========================================
A Jewish gangster escapes from a shootout with the police and staggers
into his mothers apartment on the lower East Side. Near death and with a
gaping wound in his chest, he gasps, "Ma, I've been shot."
"Oy. Eat first," his mother says, "Later, we'll talk."
=========================================
"A Jewish Mother's Answering Machine"
If you want varnishkas, press 1;
If you want knishes press 2;
If you want chicken soup, press 3;
If you want matzoh balls with the soup, press 4;
If you want to know how am I feeling, you are calling the wrong number
since nobody ever asks me how I am feeling.
==========================================
A Jewish businessman warned his son against marrying a "shiksa."
The son replied, "But she's converting to Judaism."
"It doesn't matter," the old man said. "A shiksa will cause problems."
After the wedding, the father called the son, who was in business with
him, and asked him why he was not at work.
"It's Shabbos," the son replied.
The father was surprised: "But we always work on Saturday. It's our
busiest day."
"I won't work anymore on Saturday," the son insisted, "because my wife
wants us to go to shul on Shabbos."
"See," the father says. "I told you marrying a shiksa would cause
problems."

 The Jewish mother's guilt syndrome has been updated for the computer age.
(forwarded by Rob Mayoff)

OY, YOU NEVER VISIT YOUR MOTHER'S WEB SITE Not That You Should Care, Mr.I-Have-My-Own-Site-Now! I'm thinking of divorcing your father. Oh, you didn't know that, Mr. I-have-no-time-for-the-woman-who-bore-me-and-taught-me-HTML?

Well, if you ever bothered to drop by your mother's web site, just once in a while, spare just a few of your precious surfing minutes, you'd know that. It was in my weblog from last week. But far be it from me to complain, although would it hurt so much to visit the family web site -- the site where you first learned how to code, I shouldn't have to mention?

I've done some things around the place. Remember that animated .gif that your father used to love? The one with the stupid dancing fish? On the home page, he wanted it! He insisted! Well it's gone! I'm doing everything in Macromedia Flash now. Your father doesn't even know. G-d forbid he should make time to visit his own wife's site. So I should be forgiving you? It's in your genes, that's what RabbiNet says.

Your sister Rachel, she visits your mother's site every week, and you know how hard it is for her to get around, what with that 56k dial-up connection she suffers with, and that schmendrick of a husband always hogging the computer. He surfs like a pig!

But your sister Hannah -- Judaism should have saints! She has a link to my site right on her home page, and she surfs in every day, after work. And she's got kids!

But you, you with your fancy DSL, you who won't put up a link to your own mother's site, you, who have by the way not brought me one grandchild -- not that I'm utzing, G-d knows -- you're too busy chasing every girlie site with so much as a sheyner ponim. But I have news for you, Mr. I-can't-be-bothered-to-visit-my-own-mother's-site-but-I-can-troll-for-strumpets-at-Temptation-Island-com. That goyishe site has no pictures of the sort you're after, not so much as a pupik showing.

And don't tell me you're spending all your time at MinyanWorship.org. That site's not doing so well, they can never get a quorum, no small thanks to you who never shows up for prayer, as G-d in himmel knows.

Are you cleaning your mouse? Remember to clean your mouse. And keep your fingers on the keyboard, where they belong. Oy, how I suffer.

You know, I haven't changed your page since you left. It's just like it was when we were still under one site, one happy family. Ouch, memories! But it's still there, if you want to come back and see it, even maybe make a few changes. Nice to have it lived in once in a while. Not that I'm asking you to move back in. I know you have your own URL now and your own "site," which I shouldn't say, so I won't, that it's a mess Mr. Garbage Mouth and my friend Mrs. Meierson, who must have seen it G-d knows how, says don't make yourself sick, that son of yours is just a nebbish, a nobody, look at the way he keeps that site of his with all the broken links and script errors.

So I'm not saying you should consider coming back, but you still have the password to the site, if you remember how to use it, I'm not holding my breath.

You remember Annabelle14@aol.com, the girl you met on MitzvahSingles.org? Such a lovely person. She still comes by my site. And so pretty! She sent me a .gif and I put it up. You should come see it. How long will it be until somebody else, some nice rich mentsh who makes a good living and has a nice clean web page, is visiting my site and sees Annabelle and sweeps her off her feet? Not that you should care. But her picture is there. And a link to her web site. And her email address, in case you've forgotten it. Not that you would think to care about such things as a dying mother's last wish for your happiness.

By the way, have I mentioned I'm dying? It was in my weblog from last week. Oh, that's right, you don't have time to come to your mother's site anymore. I'm leaving the site to your sisters.


Passover Poetry
The Dr. Seuss version of the 4 questions

Why is it only
on Passover night
we never know how
to do anything right?
We don't eat our meals
in the regular ways,
the ways that we do
on all other days.
---
`Cause on all other nights
we may eat
all kinds of wonderful
good bready treats,
like big purple pizza
that tastes like a pickle,
crumbly crackers
and pink pumpernickel,
sassafras sandwich
and tiger on rye,
fifty felafels in pita,
fresh-fried,
with peanut-butter
and tangerine sauce
spread onto each side
up-and-down, then across,
and toasted whole-wheat bread
with liver and ducks,
and crumpets and


 
dumplings,
and bagels and lox,
and doughnuts with one hole
and doughnuts with four, and cake with six layers
and windows and doors.
Yes--
on all other nights
we eat all kinds of bread,
but tonight of all nights
we munch matzah instead.
---
And on all other nights
we devour
vegetables, green things,
and bushes and flowers,
lettuce that's leafy
and candy-striped spinach, fresh silly celery
(Have more when you're finished!)
cabbage that's flown from the jungles of Glome
by a polka-dot bird
who can't find his way home,
daisies and roses
and inside-out grass

 and artichoke hearts
that are simply first class!
Sixty asparagus tips
served in glasses
with anchovy sauce
and some sticky molasses ---
Passover night
you would never consider
eating an herb
that wasn't all bitter.
---
And on all other nights
you would probably flip
if anyone asked you
how often you dip.
On some days I only dip
one Bup-Bup egg
in a teaspoon of vinegar
mixed with nutmeg,
but sometimes we take
more than ten thousand tails of the Yakkity-birds
that are hunted in Wales,
and dip them in vats
full of Mumbegum juice. Then we feed them to Harold,

our six-legged moose.
Or we don't dip at all!
 
We don't ask your advice.
So why on this night
do we have to dip twice?
---
And on all other nights
we can sit as we please,
on our heads, on our elbows,
our backs or our knees,
or hang by our toes
from the tail of a Glump,
or on top of a camel
with one or two humps,
with our foot on the table,
our nose on the floor,
with one ear in the window and one out the door,
doing somersaults
over the greasy k'nishes
or dancing a jig
without breaking the dishes. Yes--
on all other nights
you sit nicely when dining--
So why on this night
must it all be reclining?

 More Passover Humor
"A Passover Quiz"

Submitted by Denise Mayoff
1. Which traditional food is on the Seder plate:
a. egg roll
b. matzah balls
c. haroset

2. What is part of the Passover preparations?
a. turning your house upside down
b. re-enacting the slavery by lugging up the dishes from the basement
c. burning the chometz without being cited by the EPA
d. all of the above

3. Matzah is known as the "bread of affliction" because:
a. the slaves ate it
b. it makes you constipated
c. the price goes up every year

4. The best place to hide the Afikoman is
a. behind the carburetor
b. in a steel vault with doors 2" thick
c. in the underwear drawer

5. The Number One Afikoman gift this year is
a. Moses and Aaron action figures
b. Nissan Matchbox trucks
c. "When I was a kid, we were lucky to get a quarter."
d. Anything that does not require batteries or assembly

6. The Four Questions include
a. Are we there yet?
b. How can we recline without a La-Z-Boy?
c. If a tree falls in an Israeli forest, how quickly can American
Jewry plant another?

7. If there were a Passover Hall of Fame, who would you vote to induct?
a. Uncle Louie
b. Leonard Nimoy
c. Moshe Oofnik
d. Charleton Heston

8. The Four Children include
a. the doctor
b. the lawyer
c. the Russian
d. Simple Simon

9. Before the time of Abraham, people worshipped
a. the dust of the earth
b. the salt of the earth
c. the stars of the heaven
d. the stars on Hollywood Boulevard

10. When Jacob and his family originally went down to Egypt, they
a. were only a few, but became "religiously pluralistic"
b. built several synagogues - at least one in which they wouldn't be
caught dead!
c. spread out in the Land O' Goshen

11. On Seder night, we are supposed to drink wine until
a. Uncle Irving's jokes sound new to you
b. you can no longer tell the difference between Pharaoh and Moses
c. you don't miss bread




Misprints from Synagogue Bulletins

submitted by Bernie Mayoff (abr)

Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help.
Join us for our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss.
Thursday at 5:00PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. Women wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the rabbi in his private study.
The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.
A bean supper will be held Wed. even. In the community center. Music will follow.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary.
Mrs. Goldblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Rob, who a preparing for the girth of their first child.
We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something
on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fundraising campaign slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge - Up
Yours."

EVEN MIRACLES NEED SUPPORT

A certain tzaddik of Lithuania, a chassidic rabbi with a wide reputation as a
wonder-worker, was in his study when the door burst open and the shammes rushed
in, his eyes alight with holy fervor. "Rabbi! Rabbi!" he shouted, wildly
excited. "A terribly crippled man just came into the synagogue. The moment he
approached the bimah and laid his hand on the Torah he threw his crutches away!
I myself saw the whole thing!"

The rabbi jumped up from his chair and raised his arms heavenward. "It is indeed
a miracle from Heaven!" he cried, his face aglow with spiritual rapture.
"Tell me quickly, where is the man now?"

"He's lying in the aisle," answered the shammes. "The poor man fell on his tuchus!"
"A Jewish Christmas"

'Twas the night before Christmas, and we, being Jews,
My girlfriend and me - we had nothing to do.
The Gentiles were home, hanging stocking with care,
Secure in their knowledge St. Nick would be there.
But for us, once the Chanukah candles burned down,
There was nothing but boredom all over town.
The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight;
There weren't any concerts to go to that night.
A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing,
But we searched through the papers; there wasn't a thing.
Outside the window sat two feet of snow;
With the wind-chill, they said it was fifteen below.
And while all I could do was sit there and brood,
My girl saved the night and called out "CHINESE FOOD!"

So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots -
To cover out heads, our hands, and our foots.
We pulled on our jackets, all puffy with down.
And boarded "The T" bound for old Chinatown.
The train nearly empty, it rolled through the stops,
While visions of wontons danced through our kopfs*.
We hopped off at Park Street; the Common was bright
With fresh-fallen snow and the trees strung with lights,
Then crept through "The Zone" with its bums and its thugs,
And entrepreneurs selling ladies and drugs.
At last we reached Chinatown, rushed through the gate,
Past bakeries, markets, shops and cafes,
In search of a restaurant: "Which one? Let's decide!"
We chose Hunan Chozzer* and ventured inside.

Around us sat others, their platters piled high
With the finest of foods their money could buy:
There was roast duck and fried squid, sweet, sour and spiced,
Dried beef and mixed veggies, lo mein and fried rice,
Whole fish and moo shi and shrimp chow mee foon,
And General Gaus chicken and ma po tofu...
When at last we decided, and the waiter did call,
We said: "Skip the menu!" and ordered it all.
And when in due time the food was all made,
It came to the table in a sort of parade.
Before us sat dim sum, spare ribs and egg rolls,
And four different soups, in four great, huge bowls.
The courses kept coming, from spicy to mild,
And higher and higher toward the ceiling were piled.
And while this went on, we became aware
Every diner around us had started to stare.
Their jaws hanging open, they looked on unblinking;
Some dropped their teacups, some drooled without thinking.
So much piled up, one dish after the other,
My girlfriend and I couldn't see one another!

Now we sat there, we two, without proper utensils,
While they handed us something that looked like two pencils.
We poked and we jabbed till our fingers were sore
And half of our dinner wound up on the floor.
We tried - how we tried! - but, sad truth to tell,
Ten long minutes later and still hungry as well,
We swallowed our pride, feeling vaguely like dorks,
And called to our waiter to bring us two forks.
We fressed* and we feasted, we slurped and we munched.
We noshed* and we supped, we breakfasted and lunched.
We ate 'til we couldn't and drank down our teas
And barely had room for our fortune cookies.
But my fortune was perfect; it summed up the mood
When it said: "Pork is kosher*, when it's in Chinese food."
And my girlfriend - well, she got a real winner;
Hers said: "Your companion will pay for the dinner."

Our bellies were full and at last it was time
To travel back home and write some bad rhyme
Of our Chinatown trek (and to privately speak
About trying to refine our chopstick technique).
The MSG spun round and round in our heads,
As we tripped and we laughed and gaily we said,
As we carried our leftovers home through the night;
"Good Yom Tov* to all - and to all a Good Night!"


Elaine Isaacs submitted this....


Subject: Titanic

you will really like this one..................short but factual...please read

There are many stories related to the sinking of the
"Titanic". Some have just come to light due to the
success of the recent movie.

For example, most people don't know that back in 1912
Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England.
The "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment
scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was
to be the next port of call for the great ship after New
York City.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and
were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they
declared a national day of mourning which they still
observe today.

It is known, of course, as..............


Sinko de Mayo



Genealogy Humor

My family coat of arms ties at the back....is that normal?

My family tree is a few branches short! All help appreciated

My ancestors must be in a witness protection program!

Shake your family tree and watch the nuts fall!

My hobby is genealogy, I raise dust bunnies as pets.

How can one ancestor cause so much TROUBLE??

I looked into my family tree and found out I was a sap..

I'm not stuck, I'm ancestrally challenged

I'm searching for myself; Have you seen me ?

If only people came with pull-down menus and on-line help...

Isn't genealogy fun? The answer to one problem, leads to two more!

It's 1999... Do you know where your-Great-G...-Grandparents are?

A family reunion is an effective form of birth control

A family tree can wither if nobody tends it's roots

A new cousin a day keeps the boredom away

After 30 days, unclaimed ancestors will be adopted

Am I the only person up my tree... sure seems like it

Any family tree produces some lemons, some nuts and a few bad apples

Ever find an ancestor HANGING from the family tree?

FLOOR: The place for storing your priceless genealogy records.

Gene-Allergy: It's a contagious disease, but I love it

Genealogists are time unravelers

Genealogy is like playing hide and seek: They hide... I seek!

Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to better people

"Crazy" is a relative term in my family

A pack rat is hard to live with, but makes a fine ancestor

I want to find ALL of them! So far I only have a few thousand

I Should have asked them BEFORE they died!

I think my ancestors had several "Bad heir" days

I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the JUNEflower

Only a Genealogist regards a step backwards, as progress

Share your knowledge, it is a way to achieve immortality

Heredity: Everyone believes in it until their children act like fools!

It's an unusual family that hath neither a lady of the evening nor a
thief.

Many a family tree needs pruning

Shh! Be very, very quiet.... I'm hunting forebears.

Snobs talk as if they had begotten their own ancestors!

That's strange: half my ancestors are WOMEN!

I'm not sick, I've just got fading genes

Genealogists live in the past lane

Cousins marrying cousins: Very tangled roots!

Cousins marrying cousins: A non-branching family tree

Alright! Everybody out of the gene pool!

Always willing to share my ignorance....

Documentation...The hardest part of genealogy

Genealogy: Chasing your own tale!

Genealogy...will I ever find time to mow the lawn again?

That's the problem with the gene pool: NO Lifeguards

I researched my family tree... and apparently I don't exist!

SO MANY ANCESTORS...........................SO LITTLE TIME!