Scandal in the Bushes

Locals knew of impending events.

Bernie and Denise Mayoff admit that many people knew of the activities going on in their bushes.  There’s just no way this can be covered up.  The big question is What did they know? and When did they know it?  To quote from an e-mail we recently obtained that is known to have been sent from Mr. Mayoff, we hear him confess:  “Most of you know about the ducks in our pool and the nest in the bushes.  Well, as of this morning we have grandducks.”

Pool with mother duck and ducklings close by Who ever heard of such a thing?  Grandducks?  People are smirking and questions are being asked.  Nay, some are even smiling outright with wild abandon.  Some are saying that Mr. Mayoff has ordered his Bellini machine months in advance of Mayoff Day and has been imbibing.  He’s even having trouble counting.  He was quoted as saying:  “They’re hard to count because they don’t stay still… but there appear to be about 13 of them floating in the pool.”  His poor ability to count could also be caused from lack of sleep, but that’s another story.  And additional questions are being asked; like how come some of those baby chicks look like they need glasses?  [See actual photos taken on April 5, 2001]

Bridge over troubled water

In that recently obtained e-mail, we also quote:  “They don’t get far from mama.  They can’t get out of the pool yet, but it is becoming clear that mama is encouraging them to get out.  They can get up onto the spa wall so I’ve set up a bridge from the spa wall to the pool deck.  Now they have to figure out how to use it.”  More evidence that the chicks need glasses.Ducks on spa wall, next to wooden ramp from spa to pool deck

Who really is the father?

To hear the way Mr. Mayoff put it:  “They got close and some of the ducklings were about half way up the bridge when a drake showed up and disturbed things.  A second drake showed up and I thought maybe they were going to help feed mama or the ducklings.”

Pool owner admits to acting like he was responsible

“Mama flees whenever the drakes get near though, and the drakes made it pretty clear that the reason they were there wasn’t to feed her.  They’re here to make more ducklings!  After that I chased three of them away.”  It sure appears to this reporter that Mr. Mayoff is acting as if he is responsible for protecting the mama duck and all his grandducks.  The question we must ask is:  “Are they really his Grandducks or is there a closer relationship?

Seeks advice from professionals and non-professionals

“Suggestions for having this single mom move on before she repeats her magic are welcome.”

Readers’ comments below. Others with suggestions should contact Mr. Mayoff directly. The exciting conclusion and who done it follows these letters.

Ducklings on parade behind mama, in pool

Roger Fischoff wrote:

In disturbing the intentions of the drakes you might have gone against the mother’s wishes.  Maybe she’s a nymphoquackiac, or maybe she sells her talents on the corner. She might be a quacker.  Probably using the famous line:  “Hey, good lookin’, wanna f**kaduck?” or are you only interested in a goose?  Obviously she’s been around the pond.  If I were you, I wouldn’t mess with her.  She probably has a fowl attitude and will tell you to quack off!  Of course, if you hire a professional to remove her and her ducklings, you’ll end up holding the bill.

Express Printing Center – Libertyville, IL

Delia Hoker [now Mayoff] wrote:

That was cute but those ducklings are adorable.  Such a springy event… it’s just sooo seasonal.

Jessica Elfenbein wrote:

Mazel Tov.  You’re a grand duck father.  I hope the ducklings are OK with the chlorine.  But I’m sure it cramps your style a bit if you want to go swimming.  They better be gone by Mayoff Day…. right?

Jessica Elfenbein again wrote:

You have a mischievous sense of humor… Baby ducks in the pool is hilarious.  If we have time on Saturday, getting ready for Passover, could we drop by and see them. [Too late.  See conclusion below.]  Wow, nature is a miraculous thing.  But maybe they will come back next year to hatch their own babies.  It is neat that even in the middle of civilization that you can still experience things like this.

Dorrie Byno wrote:

How sweet you are…….I knew I liked you……….Dorrie

Dee Russum wrote:

I guess you and Denise are now proud grandparents.  I just hope you don’t become as obnoxious as some of our friends who have become grandparents! :>)  [Too late, Dee.  He’s already taking pictures and posting them on the internet]  Sounds like you may have to stand guard to be sure the drakes don’t “fool around,” so to speak. Maybe a sling shot or peashooter would come in handy!

Arlette Quervel wrote:

Congratulations, Granddad!
Have you named them yet?

Douglas Frazier wrote:

Isn’t that just ducky!  Congratulations.

She won’t set again until the babies are fledged out.  When they start to get to that size, start disrupting her nest any time you can find it.  She may lay an egg or two where she can, but eventually she’ll get the message.  It generally takes several weeks before they are big enough to fly.  Any chance of raccoons around?  Perhaps your grandkids are going over to a neighbor’s pool for training…

Teri Ann Rogers wrote:

Dear Grandma Duck!
Why don’t you just post a sign and start charging admission???  The Mayoff Zoo might be a good retirement income!!!!  LOVED the picture!!!  Good Luck, Duck Mom!!!!

Teri Ann Rogers wrote again:

NO WAY – What happened???  Where did they go????  Did you have them for a Duck Dinner????  OH MY – what a shock!!!  I thought I was going to be a God-Duckmother.

AP: April 6, 2001 – the story concludes

Ducking the issue

In a startling announcement, the main subject of this expose, a Mr. Bernie Mayoff, has now declared:  “The ducklings have disappeared!”  In an on going accounting, with inconclusive photographic proof, Mr. Mayoff was quoted as saying:  “They spent the night sleeping on the deck underneath mama.  This morning they were noticeably bigger than yesterday morning and wandering about.  Later in the morning there were only two ducklings in the pool.  Mama and the other babies were gone!”

And then there was one…

With blurry proof of what really happened in those bushes, we are now being told “Several hours later there was only one duckling in the pool.

And now there are none

All that remains is “half an egg shell and an unhatched egg still in the nest.  This year Easter eggs have taken on real meaning.”